So what is it I do all day, exactly?

I really hate describing myself as a housewife. I don't mean to diss housewives, but God, I hate the job description. It seems like all day some days I do nothing, yet I never have any time, and I never have enough energy (a combination of thyroid and energy baby ensures this).

Yesterday, if i'd tried to describe my day to DP on his return home, he'd have fallen asleep through sheer boredom before i'd finished. Because yesterday amounted to a trip to the garden centre and a lot of baby food cooking. And that leaves out the exciting nappy changes, which take ages now that energy baby has decided to see them as a chance to hone his WWF skills. It leaves out the patient cooking of meals after one has been rejected, the soothing to sleep thinking "please nap damn you, I need a rest" and the desperate entertaining of a ten month old who is really too tired but needs to stay awake until bedtime, dammit, because otherwise he'll wake at 4am instead of 5am.

I used to teach, before energy baby came along, and i miss it so much. I was so used to having measurable days, measurable targets. I knew what had gone well, I saw results, I worked hard and I saw the benefits. I loved it. Alright, teaching history to Inner city kids wasn't a doddle, but I didn't mind the extra hours and the planning, the marking. I thought i'd be straight back to work. I wanted to be. But then this illness intervened and I'm still not functioning. There's no way on earth id' be able to do a full school day, fly through A Level Napoleonic warfare, GCSE etc, and then come home and deal with energy baby. Because let's be clear, it'd be me doing it. DP doesn't get home till 8 or 9pm most nights. I can barely manage a corner shop jaunt at the moment. But I miss the certainty of teaching, the clear results. With mothering, it's so hard to know where you are successful or not. If he's not a serial killer by 18 i'll assume I did ok, but that's not really enough to keep me going right now. Much as I love him, making three lunches so the little sod can turn his nose up at all of them isn't really using what's left of my brain. I miss the adult conversation, I mis the conversation with teenagers. Yes, that bad. I can recite the whole of "peepo" but that impresses no-one.

Of course there are things I love about not working. I don't miss the coursework marking, the parents evenings and so on. I don't miss the long days (because hey, teachers don't just stop after school does). I love the fact that I see every new change in energy baby. Today's is pointing very vehemantly at things he wants and going "BA BA BA" until he gets it. Unfortunately, since he hasn't fully weaned yet, and is getting a small object grip, this means he is able to point at my boobs and fiddle with buttons. A bad thing in supermarkets). I love seeing the bits of day I never saw at work, and taking advantage of the Autumn sun with boy.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm new to this part of the UK, I don't really have friends here yet, just mom-buddies, which basically means women I meet at playgroups who attempt to talk to me in between chasing their own children and being pulled about by them. We all want to talk to each other but we've all got half an eye on our baby who is eating mud etc etc. In fact, most of my adult to adult conversation is done at the doctors or hospital .

Anyway, the point is that I can't exactly clarify what I do all day. I need to get into a mindset that allows me this drift and doesn't make me feel bad about not "doing". I need to see that I am "doing". Every minute of every day I am "doing" mothering, and it's exhausting. And underpaid. I just wish there was the occaisional weekend off. With thyroid breaks.