endocrinologists, breastfeeding and moany gits on buses.

So let's get the endocrinologist done first, since he helps segway into breastfeeding in a way that isn't as exciting as it sounds.

The first annoying thing is that I never get an appointment at hospital at a good time. It's always just as energybaby will be wanting food or a nap. Then I have to wait for generally an hour. This is a pisser as parking the car in the hospital costs about a tenner. Yes, a tenner, once you get past an hour. But if you turn up an hour late, you get your appointment cancelled. Nice one. Usually my mum takes me, as DP can't take time off work and I can't negotiate the handy three buses necessary (it would take an hour and half, too) with a buggy and an energybaby. At least she can then distract him and wheel him round the hospital while I go through the usual rigamarole of being weighed, peeing into a tiny thing, and having BP taken, before waiting some more then finally seeing whichever endo it is this time. Actually, mum regards hospitals rather as theme parks and especially likes Addenbrookes because it has shops. Yes, real ones, like clothes stores and a Body Shop.

I have never seen the same endo more than once. This really annoys me because they then have to spend time reading through my notes. They don't do this beforehand. They start off with the latest TSH etc and say "do you feel better?" to which I reply "no". Then they look at my past history and go "phew" or somesuch at the ridiculous TSH and we start again. This one was a bit of a plonker to put it mildly, not helped by his Germanic accent which never, to mine ears at least, sounds friendly. Blame years of teaching a lot of Third Reich History. I asked him whether I could expect the TSH to carry on moving down at the current rate. He said it depended. I asked whether i'd be aiming to get to 1, or 2. He said it depended. I asked why different areas had different levels of "normal" and why, if I lived in the USA for example, i'd be expected to be lower to be "normal" at which he practically rolled his eyes and said thet they used different measures there, which is bollocks. I then said i'd like toget down to 1 ish as i'd like another child. No real response. A couple of minutes testing reflexes etc, chatting a little about how I still felt crap, then upped the thyroxine to 150mg, back in 8 weeks.

Hang on, I said, no comment on the hormones tests done? Yes, they are low, but i'm still breastfeeding. But are they low for breastfeeding? A blank silence. It is obvious he doesn't know. It is obvious he thinks I am being fussy. If I am still breastfeeding what do I expect? A female comes in. She says they are low, but I am still breastfeeding. I KNOW I say,but surely someone must know whether they are low despite that? No, no-one knows. Then comes the marvellous suggestion that I stop breastfeeding and that I have wasted their time by having the tests done while I still am. This is fantatsic. Surely it is obvious that a woman with a baby might be breastfeeding? And to suggest that I stop before the next 8 week test is ludicrous. Obviously the man is childless. Energybaby is non-negotiable. It took weeks to drop to two feeds.It could take months to loose the last two. I feel strangely belittled, and as if I am being troublesome, rather than doing what is the right and best thing for my child.Like I am responsible for my own lack of hormones through bloody minded breastfeeding. I reproach myslef for not having a go at him, but I am too cowed by the attitude. Next time i'll ask for a female endo.

Actually, breastfeeding and hypothyroidism is a sticky business. I want to continue for a year so energybaby can have as much protection against nasties as possible, and because, goddamit,it's the right thing to do. But it isn't easy. Many health visitors and in fact, GP's, know bugger all about hypothyroidism and nothing about it's effect on breastfeeding. It can make things harder. Certainly at the peak of my TSH levels, my milk was failing. I repeatedly told the HV that I thought this, and the general response was "add formula" or "feed on demand". I fed on demand, but at 5 months this was every hour. I couldn't go out, I was exhauted, and I was suffering a TSH of the 400's. I tried everything, oats, fenugreek, gallons of water etc etc. Once diagnosed, nobody told me it could have affected my milk supply. I'd been determined to get energybaby to 6 months on milk alone, but in the end, started him on solids through lack of choice. I was lucky that my milk didn't dry up and continue to feed him at ten months, but the lack of knowledge about the issue amongst health visitors and breastfeeding support workers was tangible and had I been less bloody minded i'd have given up altogether thinking it was just my milk supply, not relating it to my thyroid at all.

That said, I'll be jolly pleased to get my breasts back at some point. It's been good, but i'm getting a little bored of it now. Half the time energybaby doesn't even want the milk, he just wants comforting. Stupidly I allowed him to associate it with sleep and so it could be some time before he drops the last feed.

As for the moany gits on buses, I may have to return to that tommorrow if I get a chance. I'll have clamed down enough by then to rant about bloody old fashioned buses with no buggy space and no help and no friendly people and moany old witches of women who won't move up an INCH to let me through with a folded buggy in one hand and a baby in the other and sit there saying "Shouldn't be allowed on buses". Old women who moan shouldn't be allowed. I am sick of being treated like an inconvinient problem on transport I am paying way over the odds to use. Makes you want to get a car.


Useful pages on breastfeeding and hypothyroidism.
http://www.kellymom.com/health/thyroid/thyroid-faq.html
http://parenting.ivillage.com/newborn/nbreastfeed/0,,3wwd,00.html
http://www.thyroid-info.com/articles/breastfeeding.htm

Blood tests my arse and Medal of Honour.

I just don't see the point of them. Rang the doc's this morning for my latest results. I may as well have not bothered, on two counts. Firstly, despite the endo specifying ANd my asking, they only tested for TSH and t$, and completely didn't bother with antibodies or T3. the leaving out of antibody testing is a nice touch considering i'm Hashi's. Then they say i'm in "normal " range for T4. At 10.9. My TSH has actually risen again to 18.

This "normal range" stuff bugs me. My TSH is still clearly "out" (the range here is 10+ is abnormal), but my T4 only just "in"(range 10.5+). The normal ranges are variable, they differ from Health trust to Health trust. So I could be "well" here and "ill" in Bedfordhsire or the next county along. If I lived in New Zealand or the USA i'd be very ill until my TSH was 3.0 or below. Here it's 5.0 or below where I live. HOW CAN THIS BE? if I step from one county to another, am I better? My thinking is that it's down to money and how much they can save. We don't pay for thyroxine, and thus cost the NHS money. That's why my "borderline" levels were ignored for so long until I was practically dead. That's why they say so many people are normal when they're ill. If thyroid sufferers had hideous facial disfigurements or lumps everywhere, they'd be forced to mend us quicker and more effectively, but because we look well they can stuff us over.
(Well, this is relative. I look pale, balding and weird, but not obviosuly ill).

And will my GP and Endo decide when I am "well" on this seemingly random basis? I bloody hope not. Surely the basic medical aim is to treat the PATIENT. If the patient says "I'm ill" then a decent GP should look at the symptoms. Most seem to look at the bloods. I'm seeing my endo on Thursday, and i'm going to ask them when and at what level i'm "well". I don't want to be slave to the numbers. I'm pretty certain they'll up my thyroxine on the basis of a low T4 and high TSH this time, but it's already annoying me that something as simple as a blood test can be so ridden with meaning and laden with possible trouble for the future.

There's some very good analysis of the blood test debate at many thyroid websites listed by me. This website has a useful board where you can discuss results and get the ranges of many different areas. A bit of an eye opener.
http://thyroid-disease.org.uk.

A mini Play-for-today.

me: "Can you watch energy baby for a min so I can have a shower?"
DP: "yes"
I enter shower.
me: (thinking) "Ah, a ashower at the weekend, my only chance to beautify myself and shower for more than 3 mins without energybaby yelling and pulling on the shower curtain"
energybaby (outside door): "Mamamamamamamama! WAAAAAAAA!" (keeps up for 5 mins)
me: (emerging from shower to noises of gunfire and shouts in German) "Are you minding him or what?"
DP"Yes"
I enter room, dripping. Dp is playing bloody Medal of Honour.

Playing Medal of Honour is NOT watching energybaby. One shower alone at the weekends is all I ask, a small haven of peace for a stressed thyroid mum. If I could kill the makers of that damn game I would.

So what is it I do all day, exactly?

I really hate describing myself as a housewife. I don't mean to diss housewives, but God, I hate the job description. It seems like all day some days I do nothing, yet I never have any time, and I never have enough energy (a combination of thyroid and energy baby ensures this).

Yesterday, if i'd tried to describe my day to DP on his return home, he'd have fallen asleep through sheer boredom before i'd finished. Because yesterday amounted to a trip to the garden centre and a lot of baby food cooking. And that leaves out the exciting nappy changes, which take ages now that energy baby has decided to see them as a chance to hone his WWF skills. It leaves out the patient cooking of meals after one has been rejected, the soothing to sleep thinking "please nap damn you, I need a rest" and the desperate entertaining of a ten month old who is really too tired but needs to stay awake until bedtime, dammit, because otherwise he'll wake at 4am instead of 5am.

I used to teach, before energy baby came along, and i miss it so much. I was so used to having measurable days, measurable targets. I knew what had gone well, I saw results, I worked hard and I saw the benefits. I loved it. Alright, teaching history to Inner city kids wasn't a doddle, but I didn't mind the extra hours and the planning, the marking. I thought i'd be straight back to work. I wanted to be. But then this illness intervened and I'm still not functioning. There's no way on earth id' be able to do a full school day, fly through A Level Napoleonic warfare, GCSE etc, and then come home and deal with energy baby. Because let's be clear, it'd be me doing it. DP doesn't get home till 8 or 9pm most nights. I can barely manage a corner shop jaunt at the moment. But I miss the certainty of teaching, the clear results. With mothering, it's so hard to know where you are successful or not. If he's not a serial killer by 18 i'll assume I did ok, but that's not really enough to keep me going right now. Much as I love him, making three lunches so the little sod can turn his nose up at all of them isn't really using what's left of my brain. I miss the adult conversation, I mis the conversation with teenagers. Yes, that bad. I can recite the whole of "peepo" but that impresses no-one.

Of course there are things I love about not working. I don't miss the coursework marking, the parents evenings and so on. I don't miss the long days (because hey, teachers don't just stop after school does). I love the fact that I see every new change in energy baby. Today's is pointing very vehemantly at things he wants and going "BA BA BA" until he gets it. Unfortunately, since he hasn't fully weaned yet, and is getting a small object grip, this means he is able to point at my boobs and fiddle with buttons. A bad thing in supermarkets). I love seeing the bits of day I never saw at work, and taking advantage of the Autumn sun with boy.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm new to this part of the UK, I don't really have friends here yet, just mom-buddies, which basically means women I meet at playgroups who attempt to talk to me in between chasing their own children and being pulled about by them. We all want to talk to each other but we've all got half an eye on our baby who is eating mud etc etc. In fact, most of my adult to adult conversation is done at the doctors or hospital .

Anyway, the point is that I can't exactly clarify what I do all day. I need to get into a mindset that allows me this drift and doesn't make me feel bad about not "doing". I need to see that I am "doing". Every minute of every day I am "doing" mothering, and it's exhausting. And underpaid. I just wish there was the occaisional weekend off. With thyroid breaks.

Bloaty spider woman

Weight and thyroid. The two go together like.....something that doesn't go together. Egg and rhubarb. Finally I have a diseases that means I can, in all honesty, blame my weight on my glands. Because we all know hypothyroidism makes you fat.

Except, freakishly, I seem to be an exception. I am 5ft3. Before this charming illness, i was always around 9 and an half stone. About right, a bit fleshy but in good places. A size ten. Sometimes i'd lose half a stone and be a size eight, but i've always been big boobed and so i've always looked better with a bum to balance it. I ate what I wanted, drank a lot and stayed about the same. then I started the up down phase of Hashimoto's, where i'd plunge in weight to about 8 stone, then go up to ten in a matter of months. Finally, whilst pregnant, i put on near 5 stone and was left being 11 stone after labour. I sat there until I was diagnosed and put on thyroxine. Since then, it's been a steady decline in weight, despite eating for England (i'm still breastfeeding at ten months. I love the 500 extra calories a day.) Now i'm 9 stone 4.

Or 9 stone 10. Or 9 stone 1. Or 9 stone 7. Bugger, i don't know. i can vary in weight by 7 lbs in a single day. How can this be? Answer: hypothyroidism is shite. Retaining water is de rigeur. Gassy bloating is the order of the day. Constipation (and i'm talking pounds of poo backed up) is a fact of life.

My body is odd. I have the thinnest arms and legs i have ever had, yet my middle is bloated and weird, so I look like one of those horrid spider harvestman thingies. I ripple as you poke me somedays. I won't mention my boobs, as working objects they are fine but objects of beauty they are not, but I guess that's childbearing (and oh yes, Miss Jovanich, your charming comments about surgery after breastfeeding realy cheered up every woman who can't afford it, ta). I don't know what to do to reduce this problem. (the bloating, not the boobs, i'm stuck with them). I don't drink tea or coffee, I don't smoke, I don't do too much bread, although i have to do some. Every mum of a young baby will know, unless you eat toast you just don't get lunch some days. I drink water, I eat fibre. Short of subsisuting entirely on bran I couldn't eat much more roughage.

I thought i'd be happy once I got to my normal weight. I just wasn't expecting to do it with a weird looking body.

Endocrine disruptors and me

Once I'd been diagnosed as having Hashimotos, I looked at my family history in a little more detail. Yes, it was all there. A long history of female sufferers, with not just thyroid problems, but diabetes and various liver and kidney complaints too. Lots of Rhematoid arthritus and one Lupus. It depressed me. But was it just my genetic inheritance? Was there nothing I could do to slow my terrible decline? And is it just genes? Would my son get this too?

I started to do a little research. It can't just be genes, i reasoned, although that's a lot to do with it. Maybe certain people have a predisposistion to auto-immune disorders, certainly, but that doesn't explain why their diagnosis has risen alarmingly over the last decades. Certainly people will argue that diagnosis is bound to rise as techniques get more precise, tests improve etc. But alongside this, haven't we all been doing quite awful things to our environment, and ingesting nasty chemicals that do horrible things to our bodies? I am not quite readey to write off the theory that much auto-immune disease is to do with environmental reasons.

I read up on chemicals, in particular endocrine disruptors. Flouride has already been linked quite definitively to thyroid disorders, and it is quite clear to me that EDC's (endocrine disrupting chemicals) are another clear problem. They mimic natural hormones in the body and are ingested by us in quite horrifying quantities, right from conception through the placenta. Present in almost everything, they are quite hard to avoid. But I thought i'd try.

For two months now i've used only natural, EDC free cleaning products. My beauty products are EDC free, and all my baby goods. My skin post thyroid diagnosis was dry, itchy and nasty and all my old cosmetics and products lay on it like oil making me allergic, so they all went. Now I am foundation and make up free apart from a little mascara. All my facial cleansing products are natural. Has it made a difference? I think so. Of course, they thyroxine will be helping, as will the EPO (Evening primrose oil), but the products I use work, and my skin is better than it ever was. Plus I feel as if i'm controlling my body. I'm not disrupting it any more than it already is.

So what to look for in your products? Particularly, avoid parabens and triclosan. They are insiduous and everywhere. A product that says it is "natural" doesn't have to be! Anything with an ingrediant labelled "parfum" is a tricky one. "parfum" can be as many as 200 chemicals, many of them EDC's. The easiest way to do this is to go to a health shop and ask for EDC free stuff. I've put some links in to some various articles that i've used, and shops I use too. the WEN (Women's environmental network) site is great. It doesn't mince words and it shows what mugs we all are for allowing ourselves to be part of this great chemical experiment in the name of beauty. I don't know about you, but i for one don't give a shit about a few wrinkles if my bloody endocrine system stays working. The governments and chemical companies may tell us there's "no direct evidence" but if fish and animals living in water pumped full of industrial EDC's are all getting thyroid cancer and turning from one sex into another, that's enough evidence for me, ta.

Chemical information.

http://www.nomorebreastcancer.org.uk/common_carcinogens.html An article listing commonly used EDC's and what they do to you.
http://www.wen.org.uk/health/resources.htm Great site with tons of info, an excellent report here called "Gender and environmental chemicals" as well as lots else.

Any google for "endocrine disruptors" will turn up lots of horror.

Natural products I use

Weleda stuff is great, i find. I use the Rose facial creams and they are very economical, very rich, and don't react with my skin, leaving it very soft. I also use their shampoos, particularly the Rosemary, which is great for fine hair. They do seem pricey, but no more so than usual "top range" beauty stuff, and they last for ages. My last tube of day cream lasted for 4 months.
http://www.weleda.co.uk/

This Pure Nuff stuff is lovely. The baby soap is beautiful, chamomile smell and totally safe. You can also buy pure body butters here, and the whole ethic of the company pleases me. Again, the stuff seems economical. The baby foamy wash is gorgeous, smells lush and only two squeezes washes a whole baby and their hair.
http://www.purenuffstuff.co.uk/

Cleaning products were very important, as with a baby i'm constantly wiping stuff down or up. I find the Ecover range is good and again, very economical. You loose out on smell in washing, but win on conscience and safety.

hair again.

Well, the good news, I suppose, is that I now have leg hair. After almost 10 months with no body hair at all, I am now welcomed back into the fold of hairy women. I intend to give them a ceremonial first shave this evening once energy demon baby is asleep. My armpit hair is also progressing nicely, and down there is almost abundant. Strangely, prior to going thyroid, I spent huge amounts of time and effort ridding myself of body hair. Once it all fell out, I missed it. I am reluctant to shave my armpits; I rather like the fuzz there. It is somehow proof that I am getting better, even if I don't always feel like it.

Hair loss is one of the worst things about thyroid problems. The body hair I could handle, nobody minds a bald body after all, and it's covered up anyway, unless you're Paris Hilton or something. It's certainly covered up if you're a new mum, for the sake of everyone. But the head hair, that's bad. Hair has such a lot to do with how you feel, even leaving aside how it's supposed to reflect your health. I'd always had funky hair, shortish and cut well, different colours and flattering. from torturing it with shockwaves hairspray and crimpers in the 80's, to sporting dyed black Louise brooks style bobs, it's always been part and parcel of me, or who I project I am. It's a way of proclaiming personality. i'd always kept my hair looking good, and could sport a suit at work confident that my hair spoke of "me" underneath. that's what hair is, it's our creative skin. I've never been blessed with lush hair, the whole family lacks that gene, but it was ok looking and made me feel quite vibrant if i kept it well managed. I'd complain about how I'd like thicker hair, but I had no idea. In fact, my hair WAS thick, i just didn't know it. It was only when it started coming out in handfuls that I realised how much I liked my hair.

At first I put it down to post-partum hair loss. Then as the months dragged on, and my scalp became visible through my hair, I panicked. I began couting hairs shed in the mornings. I dreaded the shower. At one point it was over 400 hairs per shower. My hairline receded to Dracula proportions. What remined was sparse, dry and brittle. I cut it all off.

I looked worse. I took to wearing scarves. I scoured charity shops for headscarves and defiantly wore lipstick in the mistaken belief that this made me look less weird. I found solace in matching scarves to outfits. Alright, the outfits were covered in baby sick and I looked dreadful but at least my accessories matched.

Then my eyebrows fell out at the ends, leaving me with 2/3rds of an eyebrow each side. There is nothing you can do to stop this looking weird. Drawing them in looks worse.

After 6 months on thyroxine, and a switch to non-paraben, non-endocrine disruptor shampoos (i get them from Weleda, they're fab), my shedding is slowed. I have small fuzzy hairs growing on my massive expanse of previously bared forehead. The hairs are softer, finer, and mostly grey, but they are hairs. I don't feel the need for headscarves all the time, although I do still look bad if the wind blows furiously or the sun glints off my head top. And my eyebrows are back. I am not plucking them ever again, i'm too damn pleased to see them.

I suppose the point of this is that you don't appreciate hair until it's gone. I feel deep sympathy with men and women who go through this. The hairdresser who cut mine all off just didn't know where to put herself, or how to talk about it. She assumed cancer, I didn't say anything. Too few people know about female hairloss or appreciate what it can do to someone. I lost enormous amounts of confidence, and self esteem, which i still haven't gotten back fully. It's almsot as if the auto-immune or thyroid versions of hair loss aren't "bad" enough as the cancer versions, they get no airplay, no media, and it's simply assumed that you have crap hair. I can look at myself in the mirror again, but the period when i couldn't was soul destroying. It's only hair, but it's such a big big thing. It's got so much to do with sexulaity too. I'd always been confident enough to have short hair and still feel feminine, but short is different to balding, and with my hair went a large part of my sexual confidence. It's not back yet, maybe soon. When I look in the mirror now, i see a tired thyroid mum with crap mum hair and no time to apply make-up even if she could find any she wasn't suddenly allergic too. But i still mostly see what isn't there, the hair I'm waiting for.

Practical tips.

• Thyroid disorders affect your hair from within. No product, however tempting, will make it grow back. Only medication can do that, and it wil take a long time. Your body has to repair cells all over first, and hair is low on it's list of priorities. So, don't waste money on fancy shampoos and so on.

• Instead, take supplements to make what you have got left better. Dryness is a problem, and the best thing for this is Evening Primrose Oil. I take 1000mg daily (take supplements at the opposite end of the day to your thyroxine, so they do not lsow absorption). It softens the hair, adds shine, and helps your hormones balance to boot. it may also help in the male pattern baldness elements. But it will take time and at least 2 months is reasonable to wait. Tescos do 1000mg cheaply.

• Try shampoos and conditioners without chemicals. Shampoos that promise to shine and soften dry hair do so by coating the hair. Your thyroid hair is falling out anyway, don't make it more chemical and heavier than it needs to be. Also, shampoos and conditioners contain chemicals such as parabens that are endocrine disruptors. Your endocrine system is screwed, so use paraben and chemical free shampoos. it is harder to find them than you think. Weleda do some great ones. Rosemary shampoo from them does a nice job of thickening and it's totally natural.It's quite expensive at about a fiver but it lasts ages. Also try Pure Nuff stuff. (see links)

• Cut it anyway. Don't make the mistake of clinging onto the remaining long hair. Cuting it off shorter makes you feel better. it helped me become more accepting. It also helped the remaining hair be better condidtion, and meant that there was less hair to clog the bath. psychologically, it helped that I couldn't tell the difference between my hair and DP's in the plughole!
• Read the Shomon article linked below for more tips.

Links

http://www.weleda.co.uk/

http://www.purenuffstuff.co.uk/

http://www.thyroid-info.com/articles/hairloss.htm (Shomon article)

http://www.stophairlossnow.co.uk/WomensHair2.htm (good website about female hairloss with plenty of hypothyroid info.)

Libido rant

Where has it gone? And will it ever come back? I am 35, and I'm pretty convinced that there are 85 year olds out there who are sexier than I am. Even leaving aside the post baby body and delightful thyroid appearance (still 10 pounds to lose, and if I still had all my hair that'd be more), there's just nothing going on down there. At first I put it down to the baby. Who does feel sexy when they've been up most the night, definitively not partying but feeding and burping? The episiotomy didn't help. That particular scar still gives me gyp almost ten months in. So I waited. We tried to resume normal service and I capitulated (note that, I didn't leap in with joyous shout). not a lot, and that was with the help of various oils and ungents.

I then put it down to my post baby body. A bit chubbier, and the thyroid isn't helping there, but no stretchmarks. Boobs are vanquished and quite definately still food objects rather than lust objects (although frankly whether they'll ever incite lust again once he's finsihed is to be questioned). But I was expecting some return of mojo. I'd always been a very mojo type of girl before, far more so than DP.

Now i think it must be my thyroid. Because I am just totally and utterly sexless. Nobody incites me. If Brad Pitt or any other supposedly sexy beast wandered through my door and said "take me" I'd refuse and have a nap instead, if they'd mind the baby. I have no twinges of rudeness left. My libido is MIA.

It's such an important part of me, I miss it. And weirder still, no doctor has addressed it. I've mentioned it, and it's always been dismissed with a "it'll come online when the rest of you does". But what about the meantime? What about my relationship with a faltering DP who misses me and it? I miss it too, in a vague way. It was Me, a bit of me that's gone. I intend to tackle it again at my next appointment and not leave without an answer. I would like the few hours before I slump asleep that I can spend with DP to be something other than him watching me slowly zombify in front of shit TV. I want my mojo back. Would a doctor go through this themselves without medicating? I think not. Although frankly, on 75 grand a year plus they probably don't need a libido.

Am I thyroid tired, baby tired, or just knackered?

The absolute pits of this condition is how bloody tired it makes you. At least, i think it's the thyroid. Let's think back.



At 29, I was up at 6am, teaching by 8.30 classes of 35 teenagers in East London, barely sitting down all day, coming home by 6pm, marking, prepping, then probably going out a couple of times in the week, bed by 11ish. At weekends, I'd be out all weekend and up past the witching hour. Yes, sometimes i'd be tired. If there'd been a parents evening, a stressful time and so on, i'd LIE IN at the weekends. But I was fine.



Was it because I was younger? Or well? Let's take a look at now.



Up at 5.30am with energy baby. Probably been up at 1am too. He's a bundle of hilarity at night. Make breakfast, shower, try to make baby nap, fail. Generally go out to baby group/ music group/ shops / library and so on. Make lunch. Attempt to make energy baby nap. If he does, nap with him. He usually only goes down for an hour, so i'll get maybe twenty mins in. Then to the park , make tea. Spend all day cooking, washing up, cleaning, amusing energy baby with flinging him about. Teaching 35 recalcitrant teenagers was easier. Put him to bed at 7pm. Tidy up bomb site house. Finally make cup of tea and drink it while hot. Then make dinner for DP, who gets back at 8pm. Attempt conversation, but as I am barely conscious, and have done nothing to talk about (the routine never varies, and how intesrting is a playgroup unless you're there? How interesting is it when you ARE there?), fail. Go to bed at 9.30pm having failed to see any news, again. Wake at 1am, if not before, and begin again.



Hmm, not much rest and sitting down there, and now i'm 35. But should i be this tired? How tired? This tired.



I dream, if i ever get enough REM sleep, of sleep. I year for 4 hours on the trot. I long for two broken legs so that I can lay in a hopspital bed for weeks. I ache for sleep. My brain is furred. I can't hold a conversation by 3pm. By 4pm, i'm desperate. I repeat myself. I can't be bothered to do anything, and onyl the fact that a baby is clinging to me makes me move at all. The effort of will required to get through a day is huge. At weekends, I don't want to go out, i want to sit. I am no fun anymore, at all. and don't even get me started on libido. I feel dead.



But this is how all mums feel, isn't it? That's what the doctors say. Well no, it isn't. I see mums with two, three kids and yes, they're all tired, but i don't see them having elaborate fantasies of how they can break their legs so they can lie down. They seem knackered, but normal knackered. I seem M.E. knackered, ill knackered. My sleep doesn't work, it doesn't refresh. I want it to be mended.



Should i accustom myself to this? Accept it? Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the baby. Maybe. Or maybe it's a symptom that isn't taken seriously and nobody does anything about it. I appreciate that thyroxine takes time to work, and i'm not up to par yet. But why am I just being left to muddle through in the meantime? Why has no-one offered advice, help? I've asked, and asked again, and been told repeatedly that it will pass, when i'm "normal". But what do i do in the meantime? Live a half life is what. With a DP who barely sees me and a baby who wants me to play. I'm meant to just get on with it, and my diminished personality.



I can see the attraction of uppers. then at least I might have the energy to push energy baby on the swing for the required 2 hours.



I'm not sure where this was going. It's a plea, a hout out there, because everyone i know is sick of me saying i'm tired. I'm sick of it too.